The Art of Hanging Art

I've had over 25 framed pictures, mosaics and paintings propped up against walls in my house for months now. Everyday I would pass these works of art and familiar faces of loved ones and dread making the commitment of placement. Hanging stuff on walls is just that, commitment (Especially when the walls are plaster or exposed brick) but I've been "dating" the decision to hang stuff on the walls for a while and it was finally time to "put a ring on it."

Knowing that this job was too big for me to do alone, I called my boyfriend. Having another person involved in the picture hanging process gives a second eye, an extra set of hands and someone to blame if it all goes terribly wrong.

Helpful tips:

1. Upload pictures of each potential wall hanging to Adobe Photoshop. This allows you to play with different wall arrangements before you begin hammering nails into the wall. If you don't have Photoshop, arrange wall hangings on the floor instead (but know you're not as cool as people with Photoshop).

2. Don't be afraid of pieces that might initially seemed mismatched. Hang the pictures and paintings you like to look at, those that make you feel happy. It's your house, your walls and your dinner guests will probably be polite enough to talk about your bad decisions after they leave.

3. Research the correct hardware to use because different wall material needs different types of hardware. Hanging heavier pictures on plaster requires a little plastic anchor thing. First drill a hole, then slide in the anchor then drill the screw into the anchor. Lighter pictures can survive with only a nail, but use sparingly.

4. Frequently thank and compliment the person helping you. Telling them they look great in that track jacket may soften the blow when you ask them to please re-plaster that section and start over.

In the end, you'll inevitably still find imperfections with your work, but remember you asked for help so you'd have someone else to blame. Hold it over their head for a little while until they offer to help you work on the next room.

Who You Callin' Trash?

Many of my loyal followers have been waiting with bated breath for more news on the Trash Battle of 2010.

Well, wait no longer my dear followers, all 9 of you...Oooo, wait, all 14 of you! Welcome aboard new comers.

So, trash day is Wednesday. Today is Saturday. So far...no trash. I'm almost afraid to exhale, scared that if I let my guard down, Heftyheftysicsac, the Greek god of refuse, will raise his ugly head and discipline my weakness.

Right now one of two things always happens when I leave my house:

1. I fear seeing more trash by my steps

2. I fear seeing the people at the offending address

So every time I leave the house, I have fear. In my defense, this is a totally normal reaction when living in a major metropolitan city. Though most people living in a neighborhood like mine fear getting shot or stabbed with a hypodermic needle.

The first fear is self explanatory. If trash is left by my house again that means the problem is not solved and I'll have to resort to posting nastier signage by my steps (and no one wants that).

The second fear is more complicated but just as valid. If the offending address and I see each other and they recognize me, that means they are the guilty parties and they know I retaliated. Their passive dumping may boil into an aggressive hatred and I may one day come home to find a broken window and missing cat (one of these things is bad).

If the offending address and I happen to see each other and they smile kindly and innocently, that means they are not the offending address and I have illegally dumped trash in front of an innocent person's house. Guilt may eat my insides until insanity sets in as a coping mechanism and I abandon trash day all together, letting the piles of garbage heap in my living room until it eats its way through the floor and the entire house caves in on itself.

Maybe to avoid all devastating circumstances, I should just go over to the house and introduce myself. What's the worst that could happen?

The Trash Battle of 2010

For several weeks, bags of trash have mysteriously appeared by my front steps the day after trash day. I took the first few offenses with grace and lugged the offending bags through my house to the back "yard" until trash day the following week.

As the problem continued, my patience waned. I had to take action.

The note I hung on my steps was simple though I went through 42 edits until settling on this message, "To the people dumping trash here...PLEASE STOP! And try to consider how inconvenient it is for me!"

It worked...for a few days, then last week another bag appeared, defiantly leaking it's rotting insides onto my concrete front "yard".

I had had enough. Snapping rubber gloves onto my determined hands, I dug through the trash, searching for an address. But these people were good. All personal mail had been eliminated which means these people had planned ahead. They knew they were going to dump their trash by my house, so they made sure to remove all evidence...except one.

Stuck to the bottom of the slimy black bag was a post card with three names and an address. I found my evidence! It felt like forever before nightfall hit, but as soon as the sun dipped below the horizon, I threw on a black sweatshirt and slowly opened my front door.

My gaze scanned the length of the street. No people. The coast was clear. Stealthily I drug the bag to the offending home and dropped it by their steps, mirroring the exact place they had dropped it in front of mine. Victory!

Here's what I figure: If this is the offending address, they will know they've been caught and stop dumping their trash at my house. If this is not the offending address, they won't know where that trash came from and I'm in the clear.

But what if the trash doesn't belong to them and they are inconvenienced just as I had been? What if I'm just paying forward a nasty deed that seems like a little speck now, but may snowball into a city wide epidemic of trash dumping?

I guess I'll have to wait until the day after trash day to see if another bag appears at my house.